5 Tools to Help You Regain Common Ground with Your Partner: Part 2 | Couples Counseling California
Part 2: 5 tools to help you regain common ground with your partner.
Before we dive in, to recap: In Part 1 of our blog series Finding Common Ground we talked about why it is important to connect with your partner. We also shared a great exercise to help you explore your core values, so if you haven’t yet, head over to the blog and check out Part 1 of this series. In Part 1, we discussed why we lose common ground with our partners. We touched on attachment theory and how our early attachments influence our relationships. Now that we understand relationship common ground—how to find it and lose it—we will learn how to regain it. This blog is all about what to do to reconnect with your partner.
Are you ready to dig in and find out about the 5 tools we recommend to regain common ground? Let’s go!
Tool 1: Practice Reflective Listening
You might be asking yourself, “How is reflective listening any different from listening?” You may be surprised to find out that there are different kinds of listening. We listen every day. During this time, we shift in and out of theta brain waves, also known as meditative states. These meditative states cause our brains to drift while we listen. This is passive listening, and we don’t always hear everything that is being said in a passive listening state. We don't understand the feelings, history, and reasons behind what someone says when we listen passively. We are barely paying attention to the conversation. We respond with little thought or effort.
Next, we have active listening. Active listening involves paying more attention. You are more involved in the conversation that is happening. Maybe the topic is more interesting to you, or someone has asked you for your attention. You most likely will be thinking of your response as you listen and are ready to respond. The theta wave state is less active now, as you are giving more focus to your subject. This is the basic definition of active listening.
So what, then, is reflective listening?
Reflective listening involves an active listening state, but instead of thinking of how to respond and actively engaging in the conversation, your focus is on understanding what the other person is saying and reflecting it back to them in a way that helps them feel understood. Reflective listening needs warmth and patience, which other types of listening lack.
Let’s look at some examples of the different types of listening:
Passive Listening:
Person 1: I’m feeling a bit angry at all that’s happening in the world right now. I feel scared for our future.
Passive Listener: Yeah, me too.
In this case, the passive listener doesn't help move the conversation forward. They only do what's needed to show they are listening.
Active Listening:
Person 1: I’m feeling a bit angry at all that’s happening in the world right now. I feel scared for our future.
Active Listener: Me too! I’m scared for the kids. What’s scaring you?
In this case, the active listener shows that they are listening and advances the conversation with a question.
Reflective Listening:
Person 1: I’m feeling a bit angry at all that’s happening in the world right now.
Reflective Listening: I hear that you’re feeling angry and sad at what’s happening. Maybe more sad than angry. Is that right?
The reflective listener repeats what Person 1 said. This shows that they heard and understood them. This allows several things to happen:
It allows the person speaking to not only know that they are heard, but also to feel heard and understood.
It helps the speaker tell the listener if they understood correctly. This is key for clear understanding.
It shows the speaker that they are in a safe, welcoming space. They have a listener who will take the time to understand them.
It validates while valuing.
To try a reflective listening exercise at home with your partner, sign up below. We’ll send you our Reflective Listening Guidelines to practice with your partner.
Now, let’s talk about our second tool: finding shared values. Reflective listening will assist you with the remaining tools in our Common Ground Toolbox.
Tool 2: Identifying shared values (in action).
If you read the first part of our common ground series, you might be thinking, "Wait, we covered shared values and how to find them in Part 1." That’s true, but we are moving on from identifying shared values to putting them into action.
Identify shared values to find common ground. Then, engage with your partner in what follows. After you’ve identified your shared values, you can start to take active steps to value your partner. By doing this, you show your partner that their values matter. Even if you don’t share the same beliefs, you respect them. What steps you take will differ according to what is important to you and your partner. The important part is that you make the effort.
To sum up, complete our Exploring You Core Values Together worksheet with your partner Found in Part 1 of Finding Common Ground by signing up for our newsletter. Identify your core values. Practice respecting and valuing each other’s beliefs. They are key parts of who you are. That action shows understanding, respect, and warmth.
Tool 3: Clarify Non-Negotiables vs. Flexibility
On the path to respectful communication and a loving relationship, we may take some detours. One road we need to keep an eye on is our road of non-negotiables. These might look different from our core values, or may be our core values. But, more than likely, our non-negotiables are inspired by our core values, and because of that, require loving respect and attention. On the other hand, we may have preferences that are flexible. Meaning, areas we prefer in our partnership that aren’t "deal breakers" or non-negotiables.
Areas of flexibility can be a place to introduce what we call compromise. By compromising, we can all meet some of our preferences. This way, we won't feel like we’re giving up our core values. Just to drive that point home, core values cannot be flexible. Core values are non-negotiables. But not all non-negotiables are our core values; instead, they are inspired by our core values. Let’s take a look at this made-up couple example and a chart of their non-negotiables and preferences.
Our imaginary couple is made up of Mark and Jenifer. Some of Jenifer's core values are as follows: honesty in communication, spirituality in life, and respect for all living things. Additionally, she believes in being generous to others. Some of Mark’s core values are the importance of a purpose and active work in this world, spirituality in an approach to life (they share this), and each person doing what they can to help each other. As you can see, these are vague, but some may line up well and some may not. Let’s take a closer look.
This chart shows how this could work in real-life situations. Look for the NN (non-negotiable) or F (flexible) next to each idea.
Jenifer and Mark's core values guide them. These values show which topics they can be flexible about and which ones they cannot. Some non-negotiables align, like splitting chores, but others do not. For Jenifer, maintaining a job isn’t a core value. She feels uninspired by it. In contrast, having a job and a purpose is vital to Mark. So, for him, it's a non-negotiable. As you can see, they are both flexible on raising kids. So this is an area where they may compromise.
Mark says he wants to raise kids. But he also wants to ensure they can afford childcare. He doesn't want to take time off work to care for them. This reflects his core value of work and purpose. Jenifer might say she is fine with that, but only if they find respectful childcare that follows their lead in raising their child. This reflects Jenifer's core value of respecting all living things. They create a flexible route, with each person adding their own non-negotiable to the mix. With luck, they can find common ground on which they agree to raise a child.
So what do we do when one partner is non-negotiable on something and the other is flexible? Well, let’s take a look at a topic from our partnership above to discuss.
Table 1 shows that Jennifer views gifting as essential. This likely comes from her strong value of generosity. Although Mark has a similar core value of each person doing what they can to help each other, it is not exactly the same. Mark values a give-and-take relationship. He believes in mutual support. Jennifer, on the other hand, focuses on generosity. She gives to everyone without expecting anything in return.
This may play out in that Mark is flexible on how much and when he gives to others, while Jennifer is not. Jennifer might see a houseless person and decide to help. She could go into the nearest grocery store to buy food for them. Or, she might keep a few dollars handy to give. Mark often helps his neighbor by lending tools. He knows that his neighbor will return the favor when needed. Mark must be flexible with Jennifer’s giving since it’s non-negotiable for her. He needs to recognize that she may always either give to others in need. This couple should sit down and realize this is a non-negotiable for Jennifer. Jennifer needs the freedom to act this way. Jennifer might negotiate the budget. This could be a flexible goal for the couple. They need to meet and agree on their giving budget. But there must be giving, as it’s non-negotiable for Jennifer.
That wraps up our section on non-negotiables vs. flexibles. To get an Empty Table for your Couple Non-Negotiables, an activity you can do with your partner, sign up for our newsletter below. You’ll receive it right away.
Tool 4: Emotional Regulation and “Taking a Pause”
Managing your emotions is key to finding common ground with your partners. Taking a break from a disagreement can be helpful in many ways, as we discussed in the reflective listening section. Let’s take a look at what “taking a pause” looks like.
De-Escalating Conflict: Sometimes, calming down is more important than just talking. Short breaks, such as the “five-second pause,” can reduce aggression. They also help keep emotions in check during arguments. The "five-second pause" is a therapy technique. It helps regulate emotions and lessen the intensity of arguments. Take five seconds to calm down when you feel strong emotions. Research shows that after five seconds, your emotional regulation starts (McCurry et. al, 2024). This reduces the intensity of your feelings. The likelihood of impulsive reactions diminishes. It’s easy to see how five seconds could change the trajectory of a situation from bad to better.
Take Breaks to Lower Impulsivity: Research shows that taking breaks during stressful moments cuts down on impulsive aggression (McCurry et. al, 2024). This helps people respond with greater calmness. Lowering impulsivity is key to reducing trauma in relationship dynamics. Take a break. Go for a walk. Even waiting just five seconds can work wonders for your relationship. It can help you find common ground.
Tool 5: Couples’ Counseling
Let’s talk about how Couples’ Counseling can help you as a tool. In addition to the tools listed above, bringing in a relationship professional can provide significant benefits when you are having trouble finding common ground with your partner. A professional can help you through the highs and lows of your relationship. They provide tools for better communication with empathy, compassion, and understanding.
Improved Satisfaction and Communication: Research shows that couples counseling enhances relationship satisfaction, builds better communication skills, and reduces the chance of divorce (Lebow & Synder, 2022). Couples often want to reduce the risk of divorce. With couples counseling, this goal can become a real possibility. Don’t wait to save your marriage!
Therapeutic Alliance Matters: Empathy, shared goals, and emotional connection are key to therapy success. These steps help you find common ground with your partner. Your couples counselor will guide you through the process. Your couples counselor will show you how to reach it.
For more info and to meet our couples' counselors, visit our website: Courageous Counseling Center.
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APA Citation
Lebow J, Snyder DK. Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Fam Process. 2022 Dec;61(4):1359-1385. doi: 10.1111/famp.12824. Epub 2022 Sep 29. PMID: 36175119; PMCID: PMC10087549.
McCurry, A.G., May, R.C. & Donaldson, D.I. Both partners’ negative emotion drives aggression during couples’ conflict. Commun Psychol 2, 73 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1038/s44271-024-00122-4
